Warning to any flickr users.

[Thundershot]

Scary aint it?

[Quickfire]

Scary aint it?

Indeed.

Rather apt that his #TheWomanUnit 's twitter bio is:

Behavioural Change Consultant and Performance Coach.

[The Kraken Wakes]

I do miss his blog. Used to put everything in perspective when I was having a bad day.

[Quickfire]

I do miss his blog. Used to put everything in perspective when I was having a bad day.

A funny thing happened on the way to the forum…

I was going into town a few days ago and…
My neighbour across the road, a curmudgeonly git whose never been polite was cleaning his car with his hoover. Three extremely chav types – a woman and two men – both carrying cheap beer cans came sauntering by. As I crossed to the other side I heard one say to my neighbour:

Alright Boss, can you suck this for a minute as well?

I overheard the other two chavs in hysterics…

Did you see the look on his face?!

It was apparent that the first chav had grabbed his groin and asked my neighbour to give his cock a suck with the hoover attachment. My neighbour never said a thing. He never does. I once took in a parcel for him and all he did was come over, ring the bell and snatch it from me in anger – not even a thank you was uttered. Since that day I’ve despised the man. So, what said chavs did was pretty good…even though I dislike such types too…

It was very funny. I watched them strut down the street like chavs often do and carried on into town. No doubt we’ll all be seeing these three on The Jeremy Kyle Show very soon…

Just Eat and don’t…
Has anyone used just-eat.co.uk?
I tried to. Its an online takeaway service – you type in your postcode, choose a type of takeaway (theres loads listed), browse their menus and order. You can pay on delivery or by debit card. Essentially, they contact the takeaway and put your order through, and Bobs your Uncle its delivered at the time you asked for…
Sounds simple.
But its sh*t.
I paid via debit card. They charge you 50p for the luxury and a few minutes later an email came telling me that ‘we couldn’t contact the takeaway to place your order. They then cancel it (just-eat.co.uk that is). However, essentially your f*cked off now because you’ve had funds ‘reserved’ (that is deducted from available balances) for the amount you agreed to pay for, for the order…

Yes, £28.47p is now ‘missing’ from my available funds but it is basically still there – it will now, as is the case with the wanking banks going to take ‘time’ i.e. a few days to be re-added back onto my available funds…

They should simply do it as cash on delivery – people would be less f*cked off I feel…

I then tried to use their ‘live chat’ and on 2 occasions they were ‘busy’…(more complainants? I wonder…)

Anyhow, it was now around 9.45pm so I was really, really hungry. I wasn’t in the mood to cook and had my heart set on takeaway; the bogus order that never was fulfilled was actually with ‘Lanka’s Finest’ – a Sri Lankan Restaurant quite a bit aways…so I was very disappointed by the non-event…I then decided to walk into town and go to my local Gurkha Square and order in person…its at times like this I wish I had my licence, oh and a car would be helpful as it is bitterly cold out there. Not only that, I’m equally pissed off with O2 for disconnecting my mobile for £14.34p which they had fooled me into having apparently ‘discounted’ as a ‘full and final offer of reconnection and settlement’ a while back but had simply added onto my next bill without telling me…refusal to pay led to disconnection…O2, if you read this, nope I won’t be paying that…

I must segue into mentioning I’ve now noticed the local O2 store in town has been shut since my disconnection. Could it be that my outstanding £14.34p lead to the closure of that branch? If so….tough sh*t. Good.

Now, back to takeaways dearest reader(s)…

Walking into town I noticed two Police Officers stood on a traffic island / paving – monitoring the idle fools who’ve braved the cold sans suitable warm outer clothing – in pre-emptive poses for the no doubt moment the prats get so inebriated they end up being arrested…However, it was on my way back with takeaway in tow that I began to feel glad that I am sometimes more accustomed to being at home on a Friday night while others ‘large it’ or ‘go on the lash’…I walked past a group of girls, all dolled up, shivering in the cold night air, I knew they were underage and lo they were – one of their number, lets call her their ‘Leader’ stupidly and audibly said ‘we’re all 18 okay?!’

What a f*cking idiot. So that would make them….16? 17? And they wanted to act cool and ‘older’…hmm. Funny how they’re eager to be seen as ‘older’ and yet sh*t themselves if a man of my age were to even speak with them…hypocritical sh*ts…but then again, statutory rape isn’t my cup of tea…

I then saw two Asian girls, probably Pakistani arm in arm walking toward me…One said ‘Ooooh! Its so f*cking cold!!!’

(WEAR SOME WARM CLOTHES THEN YOU f*cking BITCHES!) I thought.

I actually wondered, with both groups, did their parents know what they were up to tonight? I must admit, for an Asian man myself I’ve never actually seen many Asian girls acting like stupid tarts (and yes, I did see young blokes acting similar) on a night out…the underage group had quite a few ‘ethnics’ as well…Shock horror! Wow!

Racial integration in Reading! Well I’ll be damned! I’ve not seen that sort of thing since, oh by jove the 1990s!!!!

I actually couldn’t wait to get home and eat…When I did get home I had an itchy bum so I went up, got changed, washed my arse with soap and water (as I regularly do and often muse how can people simply wipe and feel clean – its not possible!). I got into my lounge wear and went down to eat…

Bliss.

In case, dearest reader(s) you are wondering what I ordered here it is:

2 Pilau Rice

2 Bombay Aloo

2 Chapati,

1 Chicken Korma (with fresh chopped chillis in it!),

1 Lamb Rogan Josh,

(leaving enough for tomorrow, hence ordering like this)…

Perhaps this missive of your humble author and friend is indeed….food for thought…

Enjoy…

It pays to be cunning…
It pays to be cunning. Indeed it does. Why do you ask, I hear dearest reader(s)? Ask nicely and I shall tell all…
I’ve signed up for a prescription collection service at my pharmacists – Boots. When I went to collect my repeat prescription the other day I realised that I still had in my wallet the ‘free 500 Advantage Card Bonus Points’ photocopy when I signed up…Hmm, best get those then as of all the cards one can have, Advantage is one of the best – you can get free items redeemed against points in store and given the high cost of basic hygiene products and the like it was a tempting offer indeed. All I had to do was hand the card over with the photocopy and they kindly obliged in adding 500 nice, fat points onto my pink Advantage card…I was then asked to have a ‘prescription review chat’ which I did for some nonsensical reason…But it suddenly dawned on me to try my luck, I handed my card over again with said photocopy (they had stupidly given it back to me) prior to going along with a Pharmacist to have said ‘review’ in private and I ended up with a further 500 points!

I ended up being able to walk out of the store with a Sure de – odourant, 2 Dove soap bars AND a L’ Oreal ‘Men Xpert’ moisturising cream…Even the lady on the til seemed pleased with the idea of walking away with free goodies – or perhaps she took a fancy to me and liked the idea of a man interested in keeping his boy clean and sweet smelling…? He hee I thought as I walked off. Dishonest? Moi? Perhaps, but its really one up for the little man, I have been spending my money in Boots as long as I can recall and I hardly think what I did will bankrupt the company…

Cheers Boots!

On being mistaken for a WOMAN and having TWO loud conversations interrupt ones own thoughts…

Yes, that is quite a lengthy title isn’t it? I shall explain all…

Firstly, I was mistaken for a woman. Yes. Quite. I had been coming back from Town, laden with food shopping (why is it one needs to clarify exactly what type of shopping it is? A question to be answered for another time…), and I spotted in the distance a bald chap in denims sat on a low wall by the main road. As I carried on walking up the inclined main road I noticed the chap was actually drunk – he was staggering to and fro trying to maintain a modicum of normality in walking. I then spotted to my disgust a dis – guarded ream of toilet paper soaked in blood - his blood I quite correctly deduced. It was still raining that day and had added to my feeling of general gloom – weather does that for many of us doesn’t it? By this time I was sadly neck and neck with the pissed as a fart fellow at which point he was swaying like a proverbial limp dick and your humble author and friend was hoping I’d be able to pass him by un – accosted to say the least – alas, not so. I am oft amazed at how my stereotypical attitudes towards certain people actually come up correct, a Royal Flush one could say. In this instance, said piss head would have made a perfect candidate for another pathetic edition of The Jeremy Kyle Show - balding head shaven a la skinhead, wrinkled face full of the slings and arrows not of outrageous fortune but by simply drinking, smoking and most probably doing copious amounts of hard drugs as possibly able to consume. He didn’t even have many teeth in his cakehole of a mouth – it actually disgusted me. But what shocked me was seeing a small deep cut in the bridge of his nose – bleeding. Had he been in an altercation? Had his drunken antics led to him receiving a proverbial twatting? Had he simply stumbled and fallen cutting his nose? I don’t know. When you come across someone in such a state, you cannot really help them – one just doesn’t know how their mood will alter in such an intoxicated condition – otherwise, I would have indeed helped the man. It was during this brief moment of taking in his bloody state that he mistook me for a woman.

“Excuse me Luv….”

I didn’t bother to correct the fellow, stopping momentarily I simply said “Yes?”

“D, D’yu knooo tha waaayyy t’ thar Tooon Centaaa????” Came is equally pissed repost…

To cut the story shorter, I told him how to get back into Town. Had this man been so pissed that he’d literally not realised he’d walked out of the Town Centre?! As I got home the incident added to my already gloomy disposition; I detest drunks. It disgusts me. I too have my fair share of problems but drink really isn’t the answer – you can enjoy it, you can get so f*cking drunk that you are no longer in control, but then comes the hangover and the stark realisation that you haven’t escaped anything at all so you get drunk all over again etc, etc – its a pathetically maddening cycle of destruction. I don’t know…but its certainly not for your humble author and friend…

After yesterdays depressing incident with the drunk I decided upon rousing myself from a deep slumber at 15.38pm this afternoon to have a shower, brush my teeth and tongue (thoroughly I do so hate bad oral hygiene!) and decided to trot off into Town to Picnic Cafe for a cafe latte and watch the world go by for a while. Sadly, this was not to be the case as it where as to my left and right where two parties of separate patrons engaged in loud conversation. I do detest it when people talk loudly; its like they want the world and his f*cking oyster to know what you are talking about – well I f*cking well didn’t….The group on my left were sat talking about DJ’ing or music production – in their ‘mockney’ accents it added to the irritation; the pair on my right were sadly sat even closer to me and they were discussing going to Iran and the Middle East – Israel was mentioned, the location of its neighbouring countries etc, etc – what is it with people like this? Don’t they realise that other patrons may simply want to sit and relax in peace and quiet and enjoy quieter reflection as the world passes by? Thankfully, both groups eventually left but alas, by said stage I’d finished my latte and my rollie and decided to make my own way home…Hopefully on my next visit such an irritating occurrence won’t materialise….

Primal Screaming…
I hate the weather we’ve been having today. Its cold. Its windy to the point of gail force and overcast. Its actually truly representational of the English people, in two minds (it was sunny and yet ghastly cold and wind riven), duplicitous and forever changeable…
My late parents used to often muse on that correlation between weather and the indigenous species here…how sage.

I should have been in Uni earlier. But I felt sickly. I’ve finished my Luton Hoo project – and what a pathetic exercise its been all round. A ‘group’ task and there I find myself forced to work solo…how nice of you all. Thank You…

Tomorrow I’m being forced to present to the client. Oh joy.

I wonder what I may say if asked why I had to work alone…? Perhaps dearest reader(s) I should simply tell the truth…wouldn’t that be fun….

Earlier today a family came for a second viewing of my house…Initially it was supposed to be wife at 2pm (let in by neighbours had I gone into Uni) and husband coming separately in the evening thus avoiding bringing their brattish children who’d no doubt want to wreck all the bits and bobs of toy collecting I have on display littering the house…However, they then changed tack thinking I wouldn’t be here and decided to come as a job lot. I had informed the Agents I’d be home so let the man and his builder (who coincidentally looked strikingly like a former Come Dine With Me contestant…I forget his name or locale…sorry). What pissed me off was how the man was – while I’m sat there – telling his builder friend ‘what I’d like to do etc, etc’…

Erm? Excuse me?

A word in your shell like…

A) You haven’t sold your house yet.

B) You haven’t bought my house yet.

C) You haven’t even put in an offer…yet.

D) Don’t make plans while you neither own nor have sold your home…

I found it all tactless and rather f*cking irritating. I wouldn’t do that at all…No, I’d await buying a place before having a builder come in and draw up hypothetical plans to do this that and the other…and I am rather skeptical over whether they’d make a solid gold offer on my home…hmm, I may find out tomorrow…

No wonder I’ve entitled this post Primal Screaming…

[The Kraken Wakes]

Thank you so much. Some highlights youve reminded me of there from out friend and author, especially the anal hygiene passage...

[Quickfire]

Thank you so much. Some highlights youve reminded me of there from out friend and author, especially the anal hygiene passage...

... especially the anal hygiene passage...

wait ... WUTTTTTTTTtttT?

... Using ® meditation techniques to subvert Aristotle's definition of teh internetz didn't include that particular passage.

At least so far.

[Quickfire]

Some PG-rated bonus material.

f*ck you Hasbro…f*ck. YOU.

So Hisstank.com released some great photos from this years G.I.JOE Convention…and they also included more unreleased ‘Concept Vault’ prototypes. Whats ‘Concept Vault’ I hear you ask dearest reader(s)? Its Hasbro’s bullshit way of saying, ‘Hey Joe fans, heres some extremely brilliant, newly sculpted updates of classic Joe and Cobra characters you grew up with, or brand new concepts based on popular themes that we’re sure you’ll all like…BUT WE AREN’T GOING TO BE MANUFACTURING THEM…’

Heres the link to Hisstanks pics…Kudos to the originator and the taker of the photos…

http://www.hisstank.com/gi-joe-news/con ... ges-12119/

So whats the f*cking point of Hasbro glibly even putting them on display? Its ridiculous and it makes me mad. As a long time fan and collector of G.I.JOE since childhood I have to say todays suits behind the brand are a bunch of f*cking wankers. They constantly chop and change the brands identity before consumers get used to one iteration, wait! Here comes yet another…which also sadly includes multiples of characters I used to love, yes, Joe fans will have guessed correctly: Duke, Cobra Commander, Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow…

They had a winner in the last version, G.I.JOE – RENEGADES coupled with a new cartoon, but, alas, Paramount decided to employ a bunch of unimaginative wankers who copied the premise of the new show with the team as fugitives and Cobra in power for the utterly sh*t mess that became G.I.JOE – RETALIATION which sadly has spawned yet another sequel which no doubt that douche John Chu will f*ck up just as he will the hallowed upcoming Masters of The Universe…Anyhow, this isn’t a missive on the failure of Hollywood to craft a faithful adaptation of a toy or comic property but how Hasbro simply cannot apply its winning Star Wars brand formula to the G.I.JOE toyline…The Star Wars line mixes classic retro style packaged ‘Movie’ figures as well as ‘Expanded Universe’ figures tied into that branch, whilst theres another spearheading the Clone Wars franchise. Both brands live in harmony under the same umbrella brand: the Star Wars name itself. Look at toy shelves and you’ll see accurate, movie style, realistic updated sculpts of nearly every sodding character there was, even the fleeting background characters, along side the more stylistic Clone Wars animated sculpted figures…So why, to paraphrase Nic Cage in The Rock , ‘in the name of Zeus’ BUTTHOLE’ can’t these egotistical fucktards apply the same approach to the G.I.JOE brand?!

Looking at these unreleased figures pisses me off…I really like them. I especially liked the Destro prototype. I read some prick on Hisstank bemoan these images as ‘slavish adherence to dated designs’…

What a wanker. You don’t hear the geeky Star Wars fans bemoan the regurgitated new sculpt updates of classic characters…These prototypes were great, they’re a new iteration of favourite characters I and thousands of others around the world grew up up with…and also, they did show some updated, new looks to some of the prototypes…Some idiots, like the one who made the slavish comment doesn’t appreciate classic designs being given a modern sculpt, he presumably is happy with overly realistic or overly sci fi’ed up bullshit lamely masquerading as G.I.JOE toys…to you, my boy, you sir are a c*nt. And a c*nt that doesn’t appreciate nor probably didn’t grow up with the brand that many, including myself knew and loved as children. I stick two fingers up at thee.

Hasbro, why can’t you divide and nurture the brand into sub themes like you do with Star f*cking Wars? A movie themed line (so that such crap remains separate but still sadly part of) alongside say a line based on whatever stylised cartoon series may come out and of course a really cool line ONGOING based on updating the A REAL AMERICAN HERO era but using new sculpting and articulation techniques, all these lines could live happily in harmony on toy shelves, yes, you read that right:

TOY.

SHELVES.

WELL.

DISTRIBUTED.

TOO!

Not via f*cking ‘scalpers’ (bastards and bitches who buy up as many as they can of popular items and then flog it at far higher prices on ebay!) Also, hows about RE-INTRODUCING the brand BACK TO THE UNITED KINGDOM??? What major boys toy brand does Hasbro UK have really? They can’t get their arses in gear over Action Man, nor do it properly as a modern update to his military roots even…

I don’t know…it kind of makes me sick seeing a sodding ‘Death Star Trooper’ in retro style Kenner packaging and a Clone Wars Anakin or Rex or whatever else sodding Clone Trooper variant regiment etc and kids still buy the f*ckers…and yet Hasbro’s current idiots in charge of G.I.JOE cannot for the life of them do the brand justice. Its clear to me, as well as other Joe fans that those idiots don’t understand the brand at all. If they did, this sort of stuff would be being released and the brand would be going from strength to strength…

Its egotistical of me to say but I would easily whip the brand into shape. I know my Joe brand and clearly understand what I as well as thousands of Joe fans really want….but as usual, Hasbro, like so many other companies employs f*cking idiots…not people who’d actually care about what they’re working on, let alone respect or have a real interest in as a collector….

So Hasbro…f*ck you. f*ck. You.

[The Kraken Wakes]

Oh i wish he was in charge of Joe...